Life History
(writen for support workers by jo)

my earliest memory is of asking my mother to stop him from hurting me, and her responding why? i was 4. in the front room with the so called family friend and she was in the kitchen. she came in and watched. i dont remember what happened, but i know what did happen, a child that small is left with physical pain, not just emotional.

the first thing in life i remember is being hurt and let down by the one person who was ment to keep me safe. she has never done so since, she lets every one down. she should never have had children. she sure should not have had girls. boys were the best thing. girls were nothing but trouble to her.my primory school chucked me out, as they couldnt cope with my poor sight. it wasnt fair on the other children. is some thing i remember hearing, i was also told later in life that another child was caned for steping on the white lines that had been painted, she steped on them to stop me stepping on them. at 6 i was taken to a new school, to look and see if i liked it, only once i came back to the heads office having been shown a drawing by the artist tony heart. i found out i wasnt looking round to see if i liked it, i was left there. no good byes. they were gone. i was in a strange place with strange people. and i would stay there for the entire auturm term, it was christmas holiday before i saw any of my family again. on the one hand it was good, the so called family friend wasnt there. no more play fights (that were not) but on the other hand there was a head who saw me as ready trained. i knew to keep my mouth shut and do as i was told. my reward was a curly-werly. (i hate them with a passion now)

then came the devil. yes it was a man dressed up but at 6 i didnt know that. and even now i struggle remembering. figures in monks habits (but black) with no faces and red eyes. that still haunt me. i may know they are not real but at one time to me they were very real. its strange to think but once i met the head and the devil and some other guy who took me out in a silver car, i longed for the family friend, he was just one. and tho she watched or joined in, it wasnt as scarey as those others. with them i was the unthinkable. and took part in the unbeleivable.in my first year at this school one time when i was going home for a week or weekend. i was left at the education office, the staff said mother was picking me up and must have been running late, they all left. the post man came and went. i thought id do some thing grown up and go home alone she thought i was good for nothing then at least she wouldnt have to come pick me up any more cos i would be able to do it my self. i walked through town that was easy. i passed the bus station and walked down the road i thought was the way home, it seemed so long, id never walked it before, only gone along it on the bus or in a car, i knew i had to turn just after the cricket ground but it never seemed to come, i turned back thinking i had it all wrong, a van pulled up and asked me directions to where i dont remember i kept walking the side door opened and i was in the van. i wondered if the devil knew i wanted to tell and had sent them to punish me for even thinking about it, i didnt fight, it was pointless and besides i had already learnt not to fight. they droped me off where they had picked me up. i went back to the bus station and beged the driver to let me get on the bus, it was the last one going that way. i had no money and it was dark. he took me to the bus station office. they called the police who took me to the village hall where the family were doing judo, my elder brother came out told them a taxi should have been bringing me, they thought as it hadnt that i hadnt come home. they didnt even speak to her. they left. my heart ached so much, i really had hoped they would know. but they didnt know.

the only real friends i had were those in my head, id always had them, but i got told off for being a lona and told they were imaginary friends i didnt want to grow out of, and it was high time i got real friends. i was ashamed of every thing, of all that had been happening, and of having friends in my head, i ignored it all. things happened i just shut off. when i was 11 the school closed down. the head was gone. no more curly-werlys. i had hoped the devil would go too but he didnt. a different school ment being at home more and so the head was replaced by the family friend. it had come round in the circle. him to the head, the head to him. Mother had boyfriend after boyfriend, if thats what you called them, they were here then gone some faster than they arrived. many were not there for her but for me. and she knew. she alowed some of them to forefill their sick fantasies, one i remember was holding a gun to the head of a child. (that child ended up being me)

i did try to tell, but at my first school i was told little girls shouldnt tell such terible lies. and sent to the head. in my second school they didnt know what to think, some seemed to show compation in giving me time but others thought it was all lies, it had to be, no one would do such horid things, i was made to feel like an outcast by some, just like the village at home, people who crossed the road thinking they would catch my bad eye sight. parents who wouldnt let their kids play with me for the same reasons.one day my hand got broken i went to school pretending nothing was wrong. but some one noticed. for the first time in my life some one noticed me. he was so kind, how odd it should be a man. i was terrified of him, i couldnt tell him. i so wanted to, after all he had noticed. he know the hand wasnt from a fall, he even dared to ask who did it. but tho i longed to tell i couldnt. not a man, all men have contact with the devil. he had contact with all men.

then she phoned the school one day to say i would never see my elder sister again she had left home. this made them think, what kind of person rings a school to tell there child such a thing. they started to watch me. watch my moods. my silances, they said i was a day dreamer, i always wished i could dare to have dreams,through all this i had a friend but i didnt know it. Doughie. was at my first school and my second. he knew i was in pain. but being a child he didnt know what to say or do. finally 14 and i find out i have a brother that i didnt know i had, my auntie was actually my sister. for some reason staff at school sundenly realised how messed up my life was, do you have a social worker? nope i argued. till i heard his name. a social worker? he was the man in the silver car...

i didnt see him again, i told them i wanted a lady. in time i went in to care, she put me there, she asked if i wanted to stay at home, when i said yes she told me i knew where my room was and to pack. she was keeping her man.tho this happened in front of a social worker and 2 of the staff from school they kept trying to get me to go home. knowing her men wanted me. i was passed from pillor to post i had 12 foster homes in 2 years. having spent 2 years at one who the father saw me as legal cos i was 16. where as the other foster child was 15.

19 and i wanted to give up on it all. i had self harmed for years but at this point i wanted to die more than any thing. Doughie was gone (he died, and i saw it happen, it wasnt an accident or natural causes, he was run over by a drunk driver, while he was having an epoleptic fit in the road) and grandad was gone (he died) the only people in the world i cared about and cared about me. there was nothing my life hadnt been a life at all. i hadnt even existed. i was just here.since then i have tried to commite suiside many times, and i still self harm, there is too much pain to say or explain this is only a snipit. right up till i was 29 the so called family friend used to come and see me. i dont see her now unless my sister is there or she will hit me. in her mind i am the seed of the devil. in her mind im inperfect. and defected.the police came one day looking for a child that turned out to be me? thats when i realised those friends in my head from childhood were still there and fighting back. i ended up in strange places, in hospital having taken overdoses. talking to the police. well actually they talked to me, like i was shite. made me take back things i said with threats of being locked up.eventually i found out those voice in my head were part of me. when i couldnt cope with some thing happening i made a new me to cope. but i didnt know i was doing it or how i was doing it, but im left with many parts of me. hurting. still children. still needing to be safe. needing to be tought there safe. one day i realised thanks to some one inside that the devil had brown red gloves on just like the so called social worker with the silver car. all that time the devil had been a man. but to me and to them he was and is often very much real.while i know now i am safe not all of me does, so i feel there fear. i have a lot of pain still. and often i wish i could die. because death would be easyer to cope with than the pain.

i take tables to cause internal pain, but if they were to kill me my mind thinks it wouldnt matter any way. and if i take them to die but dont then my hope is they will cause internal pain at least, like liver damage and alike.i know im not in danger like i was, i know im not the devils child. i know the devil as a physical form is not real, but some times its these things that are the hardest things on earth to beleive.